I think one of the most beautiful things about the brain is that it is constantly learning from us. What we pay attention to, what we repeat, what we avoid and what we experience over and over again can gradually become the pathways our brain knows best. This means we aren’t necessarily stuck with the way we currently think or feel, even when those patterns have been there for a long time.
When someone has been stressed, anxious, unwell or simply in survival mode for a while, the brain can become very good at looking for what is wrong. You start noticing what didn’t go right, what you should have done differently, what still needs fixing and everything that could potentially go wrong. It makes sense from a survival perspective, but over time it can mean we become much more practised at noticing the negative than the positive.
This is where I love positive psychology. It isn’t about pretending everything is wonderful or ignoring the difficult things. It is about deliberately giving our attention to what is working, what gives us energy, what makes us feel connected and what we actually want more of in our lives.
When I work with clients, I want to know more than what is going wrong. I want to know when they feel most like themselves, what makes them laugh, who they feel completely comfortable around, what they used to love doing, what they have stopped doing and what they would be doing if they had more energy and weren’t so worried about what everyone else thought.
These questions start to shift the focus from constantly trying to escape the life we don’t want towards creating more of the life we do want. And often the clues are already there. Maybe there is a friend who always makes you feel lighter, running makes you feel completely yourself, being outside changes your mood or you feel most alive when you are travelling, creating, learning or surrounded by people you love.
The more we notice these moments, the more we can create them. This is where the idea of rewiring becomes interesting. We don’t become happier by thinking one positive thought, but by repeatedly giving our brain experiences of connection, enjoyment, achievement, curiosity and pleasure. Over time, we become more familiar with those states.
This is also why I love solution-focused work. We can absolutely understand where someone has come from and what has made things difficult, but I also want to know where they are going. What would your life look like if you felt well? What would you be doing? Who would you spend time with? What would you be excited to wake up for?
Sometimes we have to practise happiness before we necessarily feel happy. Go for the walk, call the friend, put music on while you’re cooking, make plans to look forward to, try something new, get outside, do something badly just because it is fun. Not because you are forcing yourself to be positive, but because you are giving your brain new experiences to learn from.
I think we can become so focused on healing that we forget to actually live. We spend so much time trying to understand ourselves, fix ourselves and become better versions of ourselves that we forget about the curious, playful, adventurous, social and joyful parts of ourselves that are still there.
Positive psychology isn’t about ignoring the hard parts of life. It is about remembering that they aren’t the whole story.
Sometimes healing isn’t just about feeling less pain.
It is about creating more moments where you stop and think, I really love being alive.